The modern world is such a boundless banquet of enabled convenience, even our own grandparents wouldn’t recognize it; Remote controls, coffee makers, DVR’s, instant rice… I don’t know about you guys, but that suits me fine! Why work up a sweat if there’s a gadget to do all the heavy lifting for you??

So far, they don’t make one that does your whole laundry, but a new laundry hamper can make even that effort a lot less distress; It’s robustly built, easy to load, and the strong, built-in wheels mean you can move all your laundry, then load up with six-packs and head for the beach! Got a family to feed? Put your six bags of groceries in the roof of this baby and that slog to the car will be a walk in the park! Save your time [and your back] – you need one of these! Take a look at the web site and see if I’m wrong…

In yet another endeavor to cement its position as the television network for those who think cardigans are cutting-edge fashion, CBS has announced plans to add ‘mini-shows’ between their real shows.

I’m not sure what those in charge at ‘the Eye’ are inhaling to form an idea so creatively obtuse, but I want 10lbs of it…Now!

The logic appears to be that their Advertisers are scared of the DVR, so in a bid to persuade you a commercial isn’t really a commercial at all they’re going to run mini-shows during the breaks, featuring Lara Spencer cooking an advertiser’s product while gossiping about the ongoing show.

The objective is clearly to increase sales. And can you guess whose sales will increase the most? Depends!

On the rare occasions when American television produces a show aimed above the IQ of wool, people wait for the break to adjourn to the bathroom. If we’re now to experience endearing young ladies sharing down-home cooking and fireside scoop, every non-gay male in that show’s demographic will collapse in incontinent torment.

I’m sure Ms. Spencer is charming and gifted, but this is, at the least an ill-conceived move. People use DVR’s because they’re sick of incessant adverts that ruin the shows. If you paint the ads to look like a show, people will skip those as well. Then what are you planning to do??

Like the other networks, CBS clearly needs to cut costs and raise income in the current economy. My suggestion would be to stop sipping whatever flavor of Kool-Aid makes you think it takes eleven producers, earning six-figures a year to make 22-minutes of television that’s so insipid, the only laughter it causes is done by machine. If any of you have some budget ideas, I’m sure CBS would be delighted to hear them. Join in, leave a comment and let’s chew this over.

Photo by: Midweek Post

]]> http://www.harlequinade.org/2008/10/21/good-tv-it-depends/feed/ 0 http://www.harlequinade.org/2008/10/15/ellen-enters-the-battle/ http://www.harlequinade.org/2008/10/15/ellen-enters-the-battle/#comments Wed, 15 Oct 2008 20:29:42 +0000 thelimey http://www.harlequinade.biz/?p=269

After a long and atypical silence from a woman not known for such calm introspection, Ellen has released a PSA on her talk-show website, urging California-based voters to oppose Prop 8, the ballot initiative that seeks to revoke gay people’s access to the dubious joys of engaging in marriage.

Ms. DeGeneres, who married Portia de Rossi in August, had made no previous contribution, either fiscal or personal, to the ongoing fight against this malodorous plot. Her Mother, however [who is not currently a millionaire,] has donated $700 to strengthen the cause.

The ‘Prop 8′ campaign is absurd, and founded on breathtaking arrogance. A small, judgmental and vociferous group, based in a State that has arguably the highest gay residency percentile in the country, are engaged in a battle to restrict and revoke people’s freedoms and rights in a way that would leave them apoplectic with rage if they were the target instead.

If a gay man – or woman – wishes to indulge in a ceremony that proves their depth of affection and emotional commitment to someone who enhances their lives and helps makes them happy, it’s that person’s choice, their partner’s option…and no other living being’s business!

Were the gay community to even dare suggest that our rights should be limited in a similar way, the results would be instant and almost incendiary. Yet in the full scope of history they’ve made no such demand. This beneficent forbearance of those who are different embodies a lesson from which some of their heterosexual brethren could learn a great deal.

As I mentioned before, both Steven Speilberg and Brad Pitt have brought their celebrity presence [and considerable wealth] to bear on this vital campaign. Ms. DeGeneres, however, along with many of her peers who share her choice, seems to happy to sit on her hands. Should she still be unsure of just how to employ them, I offer some simple, well-meaning advice…

Put them into your pocket, or over your mouth.

Photo by Brainchildvn

In what has to rank among the most over-rated, over-hyped and utterly meaningless events in all of human history, People magazine have posted their oh-so precious pics of the new Brangelina product online.

…I’m so excited, I can hardly stay awake.

The magazine allegedly paid $14-million for the pictures, which can be found in the issue that hits the news-stands today….and on practically every other celebrity-schmoozing site you care to name.

So what does this prove?

1) That one of the most radiantly desirable women on Earth is capable of unaided conception…[Well, duh?!]
2) That babies and all stages of life that follow [until puberty, of course] are still the most potent [and over-used] tools for invigorating a stagnant career.
3) That a worrying number of people [especially the six who actually read "People"] are idiots and would get excited over pictures of paint drying if a ‘celebrity’ once touched the brush.

The country’s in a slump, thousands of hard-working people are losing their jobs and we’re being suffocated by a political campaign whose leaders seem determined to drag it out until at least the next ice age…yet we’re all supposed to be transfixed by two cute infants whose combined parental net-worth will ensure such matters are as irrelevant to them as they seem to be to the media at large.

Somebody, somewhere has their priorities mis-filed.

Carson – who is not a member of the WGA – will start taping shows on Wednesday, to be aired next week. No guest list is available – and I’d hate to be the Agent for anyone self-absorbed enough to volunteer for it. The Writer’s Guild has made no comment about this Network-wrangled treachery so far — but you can all imagine what their reaction might be.

And Carson’s not in good company – Ellen’s been in production since day two of the strike. And she’s a WGA member! The other late-night hosts have [so far] relied on repeats rather than undermine the strikers, so who’ll be the next to return? NBC isn’t saying. A similar enquiry at CBS was met with the sound of crickets…and no formal word on the future.

The WGA and their Network bosses resumed talks yesterday – the first serious gathering since this whole, sordid mess started on November 5th. The news that one network has coerced a show to resume is hardly going to make the discussions more friendly. You can expect news that they broke down any time now. And once they do, it could be weeks before a return.

If “Last Call” truly is to resume, that provokes a simple question — Who do you think will be next?

The WGA has a hugely popular channel on YouTube that shows interviews, celebrity supporters, information videos and other items to clarify why so much of television is now even worse than usual. The sad part is, most people don’t even know it’s there. The vast majority of the audience form their view of the situation based on the big 3’s TV “news” shows, and consequently garner a very one-sided perspective. But the message is still reaching a significant audience. And it’s growing. The Screen Actors Guild and the Teamsters are already on their side. And it’s pretty hard to make any television without those people in your team.

During the last strike in ‘88 the Internet was a glimmer. Now it’s a fire. And the irony that the very medium at the core of the Strike is now turning the entire viewing audience inexorably against their case cannot have escaped the attentions of those at the Nets; Even people imbued with the intellectual simplicity of the AMPTP must be awake and inhaling a little Cappuccino by now??

They have bullied, prevaricated and spread hearsay, and are now resorting to contractual fine print to give hundreds of staff – and soon the Writers themselves – the Christmas present of a brand new pink slip. The one act in which they are seemingly unwilling to indulge is discussion.

This strike must end; And to enable that, positions must change. If the Nets spent half the time talking to the Guild that they do lying to the viewers about its cause, this dispute would already be history. It must be obvious, even to people of the limited cognitive capacity so amply demonstrated by those in charge that your reputations are dropping, as are your ratings; And with those go your precious profits. One of these things must matter to you, so stop spreading rumors and start resolving this ignorantly self-inflicted crisis.

Update: The two sides are now scheduled to meet again on Nov. 26th.

* Winston Churchill

“I stand with the Writers,” he said in a statement. “The Guild’s demand is a test of whether media corporations are going to give Writers a fair share of the wealth their work creates or continue concentrating profits in the hands of their Executives. I urge the Producers to work with the Writers so that everyone can get back to work.”

Not being a US Citizen I’m forbidden to vote here, but if that’s truly anything more than empty words and political opportunism it would be very persuasive.

The strike is on, the pickets are out and the first blood is already visible – all the late-night talk shows will be re-runs tonight. It can only get worse from here. But I can almost guarantee you one thing — Someone, somewhere is mulling the idea of making this into a Reality show.

Update: Senators Clinton and Edwards have now issued statements in support of the Writers. Still not a word from any Republican candidate…And that speaks volumes!

Now in his fifth season on ‘Boston Legal’, Mr. Spader has therefore enjoyed a more dependable work schedule, higher income and greater visibility for five consecutive years than some Actors will achieve in twenty.

Yet all we hear is objections.

If he’s truly so averse to the attention that is both an intrinsic and inseparable aspect of the performer’s career, might one inquire why he agreed to appear on a nationally televised drama? Then subsequently agreed to guest on the most successful chat show in the history of American media? Neither could honestly be described as the act of one who craves anonymity.

My organization is devoted to the single goal of giving voice and visibility to a large number of talented Actors whose guileless desire is to experience even a small percentage of the success and notoriety Mr. Spader allegedly finds so distasteful. So to hear him whimper about how repugnant the success he is fortunate to enjoy truly is when there are 20,000 actors in LA alone whose innate gifts could erase any trace of his existence from the public’s consciousness were they given an equal platform is both disingenuous and repulsive.

There is an old adage that says, ‘If you can’t stand the heat, leave the Kitchen.’ The solution to Mr. Spader’s proclaimed malady is equally simple: If you find success so repulsive, move out of the way; We can replace you ten-fold in five minutes!

Those famous, “people familiar with the situation.” are saying Jay’s less than happy with how NBC prearranged his departure and he wants to stay on at a job he clearly enjoys. And so he should!

The whole thing started three years ago when NBC Execs persuaded him to agree to leave “The Tonight Show” so it could be used as bait to keep Conan O’Brien on the payroll. But as his enforced exit approaches, Mr. Leno is reported to be reluctant to retire from a job at which – in the view of millions of regular fans – he is peerless.

On a Network whose average audiences wouldn’t fill a phone booth, Jay’s ratings – always the deciding factor in any TV decision! — are unmatched. He attracts over 5-million viewers a night, he’s beaten Letterman’s numbers for over ten years, and he gets over twice what Conan can manage. The show also grosses about $50m a year in advertising revenue.

Yet this is how he gets treated.

If this imposed abdication occurs, Jay would be less than challenged to move his entire entourage to ABC. Or even Fox. ABC has no comparable show, and Fox has tried for years to grab a slice of the late-night pie. It’s even rumored that CNN could be interested in Jay taking over from Larry King. And Dave Letterman’s contract expires in 2010, so there’s another vacant seat – and a large competing audience – that would welcome Jay’s arrival.

And NBC are reportedly eager for him to bow out quietly, because it would cost them around $40m to buy out Conan’s agreement if he stays.

You, the viewer, are the source of the greatest deciding factor in this entire debacle – the money! Conan can’t bring it. Jay can. At a time when their numbers are collapsing and costs are out of control, NBC needs all the eyeballs they can get, so drop by their site today and tell them to treat Jay better so they can keep yours!…

NBC’s “Today” and ABC’s “Good Morning America” both include national news and segments for most of their program, with two five-minute inserts for local news from 7-8 a.m. CBS has largely the same format but it’s reversed at 43 local Affiliates, and this costs the Network 20% of their potential audience to whom the show is only visible for an hour at 8 a.m.

The new format and other “significant changes” will bow January. 1st, 2008, according to CBS News President, Sean McManus.

So let’s see if we get this right; They’re so desperate to improve ratings [and profits,] they’re going to twiddle their thumbs for six months before making the changes. Somehow, I don’t see that as the best solution.

The big problem is not the Affiliate interruptions, the problem is an unrelentingly bland format, fronted by people so mind-crushingly vapid they make storefront Mannequins look like crack-heads. It’s the television equivalent of warm oatmeal. It’s CBS pandering to the ‘cardigan’ demographic…Again. Lose the oats and change the cast. Now! Then drop the local news as soon as you can get the Affiliates to play ball.

Problem solved.

What’s your view? What would you do today to stop the slide?