In yet another endeavor to cement its position as the television network for those who think cardigans are cutting-edge fashion, CBS has announced plans to add ‘mini-shows’ between their real shows.

I’m not sure what those in charge at ‘the Eye’ are inhaling to form an idea so creatively obtuse, but I want 10lbs of it…Now!

The logic appears to be that their Advertisers are scared of the DVR, so in a bid to persuade you a commercial isn’t really a commercial at all they’re going to run mini-shows during the breaks, featuring Lara Spencer cooking an advertiser’s product while gossiping about the ongoing show.

The objective is clearly to increase sales. And can you guess whose sales will increase the most? Depends!

On the rare occasions when American television produces a show aimed above the IQ of wool, people wait for the break to adjourn to the bathroom. If we’re now to experience endearing young ladies sharing down-home cooking and fireside scoop, every non-gay male in that show’s demographic will collapse in incontinent torment.

I’m sure Ms. Spencer is charming and gifted, but this is, at the least an ill-conceived move. People use DVR’s because they’re sick of incessant adverts that ruin the shows. If you paint the ads to look like a show, people will skip those as well. Then what are you planning to do??

Like the other networks, CBS clearly needs to cut costs and raise income in the current economy. My suggestion would be to stop sipping whatever flavor of Kool-Aid makes you think it takes eleven producers, earning six-figures a year to make 22-minutes of television that’s so insipid, the only laughter it causes is done by machine. If any of you have some budget ideas, I’m sure CBS would be delighted to hear them. Join in, leave a comment and let’s chew this over.

Photo by: Midweek Post

]]> http://www.harlequinade.org/2008/10/21/good-tv-it-depends/feed/ 0 http://www.harlequinade.org/2008/10/13/primetime-goes-online/ http://www.harlequinade.org/2008/10/13/primetime-goes-online/#comments Tue, 14 Oct 2008 03:05:05 +0000 thelimey http://www.harlequinade.biz/?p=200 Continue reading →]]>

Hello, and welcome to Chapter 46 of “How Google Took Over The World.” With market share for their rather wonderful browser starting to inexplicably slide, everyone’s favorite billionaire geeks have announced a new and much-anticipated tactic in their ceaseless march towards world domination: Full-length TV shows on You Tube.

They’ve just released a new widescreen player that’s claimed to be capable of producing a passable representation of the human form, rather than the rather curious, Picasso-style  monsters that have so long been their staple fare. The next logical step was content to fill them, and one of the first shows to ‘air’  will be Star Trek.

You can’t say those Google guys don’t know their audience.

You Tube’s familiar menu of short-format videos are usually free of commercials but sadly this strange new world will have ads before, after and even during the shows. To me, that’s a bad idea. Everyone – even geeks – hates ads. And Star Trek alone is over forty years old – How costly can such antiquity be??

There are several sites already online that offer TV content in various forms, and trust me – most of it’s offal! Hulu is the only one that’s captured public attention, and this is clearly Google’s reply. The world is changing and most of the change is coming by air. Digital TV is just a few months away and the restless evolution of computers, cellphones and the Internet itself means people are watching in a litany of ways. The audience is moving online, and TV Exec’s have been scared to give chase. This is a bold, first step.

Mark the date, folks. I see a day, not long from now, when your current TV will look as out of place in your home as a Tank. The day will soon dawn when your TV, computer, media players and phone will comprise a single, cohesive unit. And every part will be live and online. Our own parents would be unable to grasp it.

Personally, I relish that dawn.

Photo by MWichary

Mr Bocho accuses the Networks of devolving into purveyors of programming he has no interest in providing. In other words, “Reality” series. He also tells Forbes that the Nets are obsessed with micromanaging every detail of a production…which comes as no surprise at all.

From the man who was largely responsible for “Hill Street Blues,” “L.A. Law,” “NYPD Blue,” and a string of other top-rated shows that earned the very same networks millions in ad revenues, this is a damming indictment of the state of America’s broadcast media. The sad part, however, is: 1) How unarguably right his view is, and 2) The total absence of anyone in a similar position with the courage to agree, or even speak out at all.

I mean, when was the last time you watched a quality program on a broadcast network?

Let’s say it: American television is about money. First, last and only. Not shows, not quality, and certainly not the audience – Just the dollars. And as Mr. Bochco has proven, it shows. They make intellectual chewing gum for an audience they believe possess the IQ of wool, crush any spark of originality or creativity out of it with obsessive over-management, then infest it with commercials to make as much cash as possible.

…Then they wonder why people don’t watch??

The Summer hiatus is over and so are the Games. The ‘Fall’ season could be the Nets’ chance to repent and refocus their priorities. What do you think — Will they recant and finally show us – the audience – some respect, or will they just go on as before?

Leave a comment and let’s take a poll…

Shares in the network – which has suffered dismal financial results recently – rose sharply when the news broke yesterday, and were boosted even further by comments made by Pier Silvio Berlusconi, the Chairman of Italian broadcaster ‘Mediaset,’ who own Endemol. He said the company are still debating whether to buy ITV, and had several other potential targets.

You’d better start praying that none of them are US-based.

Regular readers [Yes, both of you!] will know that I hate, loathe and detest ‘Reality’ television with a passion that defies measurement. The entire genre is a brainless, cold-blooded, profit-driven insult, designed solely to snare as many viewers as possible so they can be spoon-fed to the advertisers.

That being the case. the prospect of an entire television organization being owned and controlled by a group of people so intellectually myopic they actually believe ‘Reality’ programming is acceptable fare with which to burden your viewers’ collective synapses should leave any sane being garnished in ice-cold sweat.

If that idea doesn’t give you nightmares, try this: Given that a large percentage of US-television is comprised of ideas and formats that were originally British, can it really be long before the same thing happens here?

…Or considering the current output of NBC, is that already a rhetorical question?

The “Big Brother” crew, located in Studio City, were close to the epicenter and the cast were seen scrambling for cover when the shaking started. The whole house is actually built on a sound-stage — so it’s almost as fake as some of the inmates boobs?? — and as those inside are forbidden any form of outside contact the Producers were reduced to telling them what was happening by yelling the news at them through Bull-horns.

…You couldn’t make this stuff up??

Many of the cast are not even from California, so this was the first time they’d experienced a real, live quake. That perky Viewer’s favorite, Holly was caught on a sun-bed in only her undies when the fun started. I only wish I could be sure this proved the intellectual pygmies responsible for the show had defined a brave new policy to make people watch…but I doubt they possess the intuitive skills.

But the cameras never stopped. The show is streamed live online 24/7, so the cast had to return to ‘work’ as soon as the world calmed down. If they could only equal in relevance what they displayed in commitment, more people might find a reason to care.

They’re paying an average of $500,000 each for missing the pre-agreed ratings levels. This is the first time a Network has needed to do this in years, and it’s a sad comment that it comes as little surprise to find the Net in question is NBC.

Networks usually offer free commercial runs, called ‘make-goods,’ to repay any viewer shortfalls, but NBC has no free time left as they [in common with every other Network] are cramming as many commercials as they can get on the air in order to exploit the viewers and the Season as much as possible.

CBS, ABC and Fox also are having to reimburse their advertisers by giving ad space for free. With the kind of disingenuous spin you’d expect, they’re all blaming their failure on the use of a new ratings formula, but experts disagree. It’s the strke. People are sick of all the repeats and they’re switching off. Thousands of them!

The Nets had enough new shows to last until late November, and repeats won’t really take over until mid-January – And that’s when a certain, repugnant material will make significant contact with the air conditioning. At that point the ratings and the profits will start heading downhill….Fast!

And what do the intellectual midgets in charge plan to do to reverse this hemorrhage? They’re going to play wall-to-wall Reality – what else?! A format which every member of their audience blessed with an IQ in excess of that found in a door-knob has already made it abundantly clear they can’t stand.

‘American Gladiators’ and “Celebrity Apprentice’ and upcoming debuts like ‘Knight Rider,’ are all re-makes, being dusted off to avoid creating new shows.

And this, according to the suits, is a policy that will make their ratings go up ??

If proof were even needed that the average American TV executive has the creative capacity of navel fluff, here it is. They drive the Writers onto the picket lines to avoid paying them a decent share of the infeasible profits their creativity generates, then they re-hash shows from three-decades ago to fill the resulting scheduling gaps they’re too intellectually shallow to enhance any other way.

Wouldn’t it be simpler to pay the people with talent to do their jobs? Then the ratings would recover, the Advertiser rebates won’t bankrupt them and they’d all keep their jobs.

…Or do you think that might be too complex to grasp?

The ‘Celebrities’ are Brigitte Nielsen, Chyna, Daniel Baldwin, Jeff Conaway, Jessica Sierra, Jaimee Foxworth, Seth Binzer, Mary Carey and Ricco Rodriguez.

Hands up if you’ve ever even met anyone who’s heard of them??

Drew Pinsky, the host of the show, and probably the only trained physician willing to endanger both his license and his sanity on this mindless efluveum says his goal is, “to lift the veil and help my patients, as well as viewers, understand that addiction is a disease that will kill you.”

Altogether now…Well, Duh!?!

The series will follow these attention-addicted, D-list-Wannabes through a 21-day detox program with both group and solo therapy sessions. After they complete the program the saddest cases are invited to dry out completely at VH1′s expense. In their shoes, being faced with such incontrovertible evidence that my career was now brain-dead would render such remedial care a need beyond desperate.

“Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew” is Executive Produced by John Irwin and Damian Sullivan. Dr. Drew Pinsky and Howard Lapides are also Executive Producers. And just in case the payroll wasn’t padded enough, Michael Hirschorn, Jeff Olde, Jill Holmes and Noah Pollack will Executive Produce for VH1.

…Could someone explain to me why, exactly, it takes eight people on six-figure salaries to “Executive Produce” 41-minutes of Television that wouldn’t tax the IQ of a Care Bear??

The show…for want of a term of pithier, more Anglo-Saxon derivation…will debut on Vh1 on January 10th. Should any of you have the slightest inclination to watch, you might care to consider some treatment yourself?

Carson – who is not a member of the WGA – will start taping shows on Wednesday, to be aired next week. No guest list is available – and I’d hate to be the Agent for anyone self-absorbed enough to volunteer for it. The Writer’s Guild has made no comment about this Network-wrangled treachery so far — but you can all imagine what their reaction might be.

And Carson’s not in good company – Ellen’s been in production since day two of the strike. And she’s a WGA member! The other late-night hosts have [so far] relied on repeats rather than undermine the strikers, so who’ll be the next to return? NBC isn’t saying. A similar enquiry at CBS was met with the sound of crickets…and no formal word on the future.

The WGA and their Network bosses resumed talks yesterday – the first serious gathering since this whole, sordid mess started on November 5th. The news that one network has coerced a show to resume is hardly going to make the discussions more friendly. You can expect news that they broke down any time now. And once they do, it could be weeks before a return.

If “Last Call” truly is to resume, that provokes a simple question — Who do you think will be next?